" When even one most 'beaux moments' aren't such to qualify, so far as appearance goes, for anything gayer than a handsome cemetry. Since I've lived all these years as if I were dead? I shall die, no doubt, as if I were alive - which will happen to be as you want me. So you see", she wound up, "you' ll never really know where I am. Except indeed when I am gone; and then you''' only know where I'm not"