Love on the Brain

“If you don’t want to date nose-tongue guy, at least get a damn cat. You already have that stupid name picked out.”“Meowrie Curie is a great name—and no.”

I must have pissed off some god. Zeus? Eros? Must be Poseidon. Shouldn’t have peed in the Baltic Sea during my misspent youth.

If he caught someone stabbing me, he’d probably blame me for walking into the knife—and then take out his whetstone.

Must be divine punishment. I guess I kicked lots of puppies in a past life. Maybe I used to be Dracula.

That level of hatred requires so much effort and motivation and commitment, it’s basically love.

MARIE: Did she at least get ugly while she was gone?SHMAC: She’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

MARIE: Are there good days? Ever?SHMAC: My last one was in middle school. Second place at the science fair.MARIE: Did you win a Toys R Us gift certificate?SHMAC: Nope. A Marie Curie bobblehead, holding two beakers that glow in the dark.MARIE: Omg. I would MURDER for that.SHMAC: If we ever meet in person, it’s yours.

Disappointingly, sitting on the couch thinking about working out has not improved my aerobic fitness.

THE SECOND LEVI appears I want to kiss him for rescuing me from the mosquitos, and the ghosts, and the ghosts of the mosquitos.

I’d rather sleep under a bridge and eat plankton than go to his place and see his perfect family life.