Я пел прошлой ночью для монстра

If you want to be alive, you can’t avoid pain.

I’m living in a space between day and night.
I want to move. I want to stay still.
I want to sleep. And I want to be awake.
I want to be loved. And I want to be left alone.

Maybe we wouldn’t be so screwed-up if we didn’t care.

Okay is just a word I use so I won’t have to talk about what’s inside.
Okay is a word that means I am going to keep my secrets.
There is something inside me that is killing me.
There is something inside me that wants to let whatever is killing me do its job. I think I could walk into the night and howl like a coyote, howl so the monster could find me and do to me whatever it wanted to do to me. I think I could let the storm swallow me up.

I think sometimes we fall in love with our monsters.

I think it’s other people who give us monsters. Maybe God doesn’t have anything to do with it.

I lived in my head. That’s really where I lived.

It didn’t matter that all those things happened such a long time ago because everything felt like it was happening now. I got that. That’s why I didn’t want to tell my story. I didn’t want to feel those things in the now.

It’s funny, I had a lot of friends. Lots and lots of friends—and no one knew me.

I read a lot of books, and I got really good at pretending that I was happy.