I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki

what makes me really change are the myriad things of the universe that my gaze happens to rest upon.

I longed to be confident and to exude attitude.

As soon as I’d start to think of myself as experienced and prepared, I’d run into more obstacles – new people, new work, new topics and new places. Like a game where no matter how many walls you break, there’s another wall waiting for you on the other side.

If I try to disguise myself as something I am not, I’m only going to get caught in the act eventually.

Sometimes, when someone tells me to ‘Cheer up’ when I’m going through a tough time, I just want to wring their neck. Just be there to hold my hand, be sad or angry with me, or if you’ve gone through something similar, tell me about it and say it will all pass eventually.

But even as I read my finished manuscript, I still hate the way I go in and out of depression and happiness, and it’s hard to find meaning in it. I went in and out of the clinic that way, and here I am, before I realised it, years later.

I’m tired of not being able to find satisfaction in the present and being obsessed with the past or having high expectations of new relationships.

Psychiatrist: Do you think you’ll get tired of that dynamic once you get used to it?

Psychiatrist: How do you usually feel after the work day is over?
Me: I have no energy. The only fun I have is walking home from work at the end of the day, and I just feel so listless when I’m home.

I’m so bored, and I feel like I’m just living from day to day. I don’t know how things got this way.