I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki

that is the affection I extend to others,

But why did I find that so embarrassing to say? It was so clichéd and stupid. So obvious.

I wanted to laugh, to be comfortable in my relationship with someone, to be the kind of person who can easily become close to a person they like.

I was a shadow. A dark, dark thing, stuck to your side, imitating your every move.

‘I must have someone who loves me. Someone must ask after me every day for me to be alone.’
When you said you felt so comfortable with me, it made me feel pathetic that I was feeling uncomfortable myself.

Not in a fake-friendly way but in a sincere way, with all my heart.

Despite knowing I can never attain perfect freedom, I keep plodding through on this road. The end of the road is erased. I try to create a path where there is no path, but no matter how much I pace that rough ground, it refuses to become a path. My toes keep kicking against the rocks.

All beginnings and endings feel so heavy to me.

I remembered a conversation we had the other day. ‘Grandma, what was the happiest moment for you?’ And she answered that she was alone every day so how could she have a happy moment.

but it’s happening little by little.