James Acaster's Classic Scrapes

What stuck with me the most was the comment the first fireman made when he climbed in through our bedroom window. ‘Jeez,’ he said. ‘It’s a bit hot in here isn’t it?’ This was a comment that every visitor to our tiny flat made because it was indeed always hot, but when you consider that most of the buildings this man enters are on fire, I think that’s pretty rich. A bit hot! Compared to the flames you’re usually wading through? A bit hot is it? Compared to an inferno? A bit hot? The nerve of that fireman.

I’d never stayed in a hostel before and I wasn’t entirely sold on my roommates, one of which was a guy who had brought a lady back one night and ‘done it’ in the bunk above me. This was doubly annoying because it wasn’t even his bunk. He had moved beds in order to disturb me in the worst way possible. As if knowing someone’s in the bunk below is one of his major turn-ons and since there was no one in the bunk below him that night his options were to move onto the bunk above me or to ask me if I wouldn’t mind moving onto the bunk below his for the duration of the shagging. He chose the nicer option of the two but still, not a fan.