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CUSTOMER: If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.

CUSTOMER: Do you have copies of Fifty Shades of Grey?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, they’re right over here. We don’t have any secondhand ones in right now, though.

CUSTOMER: Oh, that’s OK. I don’t think I’d WANT a secondhand copy of that book, if you know what I mean!

(Customer and bookseller look at each other and burst out laughing)

YOUNG GIRL (pointing to a cupboard under one of the bookshelves): Can you get to Narnia through there?

BOOKSELLER: Unfortunately, I don’t think you can.

YOUNG GIRL: Oh. Our wardrobe at home doesn’t work for getting to Narnia, either.

BOOKSELLER: No?

YOUNG GIRL: No. Dad says it’s because Mum bought it at IKEA.

CUSTOMER: I'd like to return this Where's Wally? book, please. BOOKSELLER: Why? CUSTOMER: Because I've found him.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any foreign language dictionaries?

BOOKSELLER: Yeah, we do. I’ll take you to our language section.

CUSTOMER: Oh, awesome! I need a Latin dictionary for my Spanish class.

BOOKSELLER: . . . Are you sure you don’t need a Spanish dictionary?

CUSTOMER: No, Latin. They don’t speak Spanish in Latin America.

BOOKSELLER: Would you like a bag?

CUSTOMER: No, I’d like a divorce.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a book that interprets life?

BOOKSELLER: I’m not sure I know what you mean.

CUSTOMER: Well, I was out hiking the other day, and I saw a wolf. I want to know what that meant.

CUSTOMER: I want to get my girlfriend a book for her birthday but I don’t know if she already has it.

BOOKSELLER: OK.

CUSTOMER: Could you find out for me?

BOOKSELLER: ... How?

CUSTOMER: Well, maybe you could call her and say that you’re doing a survey or something?

BOOKSELLER: ...

CUSTOMER: You know, just lie and gain her trust and find out everything you can.

CUSTOMER: Where are your books on war?

BOOKSELLER: They’ll be in with history. Our history section is split up into British History, European History, American History and World History. Which war are you looking for, specifically?

CUSTOMER: I want a history of the ongoing war between werewolves and vampires.

BOOKSELLER: ...

CUSTOMER: Where would I find that?

CUSTOMER: I don’t like poetry. It seems so arbitrary. (Pause) Wait, that rhymes! Perhaps I’m an undiscovered poet.

BOOKSELLER: I thought you didn’t like poetry?

CUSTOMER: Well, not other people’s – but I would probably like my own!

YOUNG BOY: You should put a basement in your bookshop.

BOOKSELLER: You think so?

YOUNG BOY: Yeah. And then you could keep a dragon in it, and he could look after all the books for you when you’re not here.

BOOKSELLER: That’s a pretty cool idea. Dragons breathe fire, though. Do you think he might accidentally burn the books?

YOUNG BOY: He might, but you could get one who’d passed a test in bookshop-guarding. Then you’d be OK.

BOOKSELLER: You know, I think you’re on to something there.

CUSTOMER: I really don’t like the planet today – can you recommend a book set far, far away?

CUSTOMER: Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?

BOOKSELLER: . . .

CUSTOMER: Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre? We're doing it in our book club. BOOKSELLER: Sure. I'll just get you a copy. CUSTOMER: Thanks. You know, I go to this book club thing, but I really hate reading. BOOKSELLER: So... Why do you go to the book club? CUSTOMER: I don't know, really. (Pause). To make things easier, I bought a book called How To Talk About Books You Haven't Read. BOOKSELLER: Yeah? CUSTOMER: Yeah. (Pause). I didn't read it.

CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book called Not Your Ordinary Average Day in the Park.

BOOKSELLER: I’m not familiar with that one. Do you know what it’s about?

CUSTOMER: It’s about a boy with autism, and a dog.

BOOKSELLER: Do you mean The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time?

CUSTOMER: Yes, that’s it. I knew it had a title like that.

LITTLE BOY: Hello. You still have no customers. If I owned this shop I’d fire you.

BOOKSELLER: Wow. Brutal. And then how would you proceed?

LITTLE BOY: I’d buy a megaphone and shout at people to buy my books. That’s your problem – you don’t shout at them.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any of those books on symbols and stuff?

BOOKSELLER: What type of symbols do you mean?

CUSTOMER: You know, like a horseshoe – which I know is good luck – but what I want to know is: what does it mean when someone puts a dead bird through my letterbox?

BOOKSELLER: . . . I think it means they don’t like you.

(Teen daughter holds up a copy of The Canterbury Tales) HER MOTHER: You’re not old enough to read that. I’m not old enough to read that!