More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

(Elderly female customer is looking at the chart) CUSTOMER: I can’t believe everybody’s reading this Fifty Shades ...

BOOKSELLER: I know. I take it it isn’t your cup of tea, then?

CUSTOMER: Oh, no dear; been there, done that – no need to read about it!

CUSTOMER: Guess what.

BOOKSELLER: What?

CUSTOMER: I’m building a spaceship in my back garden to scare my neighbours.

CUSTOMER: I’m looking for that book ... Romeo and Juliet. It’s about a fight between the DiCaprios and another gang. Street stuff.

CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: Yeah. it’s the true story of Leonardo DiCaprio.

CUSTOMER: Urgh. Shakespeare. He’s everywhere, isn’t he? You can’t escape him. I wish he’d do us all a favour and just die already.

CUSTOMER (whilst paying for a book): I have always wanted to marry a bookseller. (Pause)

CUSTOMER: Do you fantasise about marrying one of your customers?

BOOKSELLER: ...

CUSTOMER: I had such a crush on Captain Hook when I was younger. Do you think this means I have unresolved issues?

CUSTOMER: I’d like a book for a friend about saving the world from alien invasion. I’d like the main character to be a little like Freddie Mercury and a little like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Does anything spring to mind?

CUSTOMER: I’m looking for the book Mini Alcoholic by Sophie Kinsella.

CUSTOMER (buying Thirteen Ways to Dispose of a Dead Body, whispers
seriously): There are actually fourteen, you know.

Do you have any books signed by authors who are likely to die very soon? I’d like to make an investment.

I need a really awful book to give to someone I hate. Any recommendations?

Do you have audiobooks on sign language?

CUSTOMER: I don’t like biographies. The main character pretty much always dies in the end. It’s so predictable!

CUSTOMER: Pride and Prejudice was published a long time ago, right?
BOOKSELLER: Yep.
CUSTOMER: I thought so. Colin Firth’s looking really good for his age, then.

CUSTOMER: Did they make a film edition of the Bible when The Passion of the Christ came out? You know, the text of the Bible, but with Mel Gibson on the front cover?

CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy this audiobook.
BOOKSELLER: Great.
CUSTOMER: Only, I don’t really like this narrator.
BOOKSELLER: Oh.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a selection of narrators to choose from? Ideally, I’d like Benedict Cumberbatch.

CUSTOMER (to her friend): What about this book? (holds up a copy of The Hobbit)
CUSTOMER: No. I don’t want to read that. It’ll spoil the film.

CUSTOMER: Do you have Harry Potter book seven, part two?
BOOKSELLER: Book seven, The Deathly Hallows, is just one volume.
CUSTOMER: But the movie has two parts, so there must be a second book! They don’t just make movies from nothing!

CUSTOMER: I'm looking for a book for my son. He's one of these weird people who still like the paper ones.