Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

"How nicely we are all crammed in," cried Lydia. "I am glad I bought my bonnet, if it is only for the fun of having another hatbox! Well, now let us be quite comfortable and snug, and talk and laugh all the way home. And in the first place, let us hear what has happened to you all since you went away. Have you seen any pleasant men? Have you had any flirting? I was in great hopes that one of you would have got a husband before you came back. Jane will be quite an old maid soon, I declare. She is almost three-and-twenty! Lord, how ashamed I should be of not being married before three-and-twenty! My aunt Phillips wants you so to get husbands, you can't think. She says Lizzy had better have taken Mr. Collins; but I do not think there would have been any fun in it. Lord! How I should like to be married before any of you; and then I would chaperon you about to all the balls. Dear me! We had such a good piece of fun the other day at Colonel Forster's. Kitty and me were to spend the day there, and Mrs. Forster promised to have a little dance in the evening; (by the bye, Mrs. Forster and me are such friends!) and so she asked the two Harringtons to come, but Harriet was ill, and so Pen was forced to come by herself--"
Elizabeth presently drew her Katana and cut off Lydia's head, which fell into the open hatbox.
The others looked on in a state of silent shock as a torrent of blood sprang forth from Lydia's neck, staining their dresses. Elizabeth sheathed her blade, and in a most delicate tone, said "I beg you all forgive me, but I could stand her prattling no longer." However, when she spared another glance toward Lydia, she was surprised to see her head very much attached.
"Lord! How I laughed!" continued her younger sister. "And so did Mrs. Forster. I thought I should have died."
Elizabeth sighed. If only she could really cut off Lydia's head.

"Mr. Collins tells me that you are schooled in the deadly arts, Miss Bennet."

"I am, though not to half the level of proficiency your Ladyship has attained."

"Oh! Then-some time or other I shall be happy to see you spar with one of my ninjas. Are your sisters likewise trained?"

"They are."

"I assume you were schooled in Japan?"

"No, your ladyship. In China."

"China? Are those monks still selling their clumsy kung fu to the English? I take it you mean Shaolin?"

"Yes, your ladyship; under Master Liu."

"Well, I suppose you had no opportunity. Had your father more means, he should have taken you to Kyoto."

"My mother would have had no objection, but my tather hates Japan."

"Have your ninjas left you?"

"We never had any ninjas."

"No ninjas! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without any ninjas! I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must have been quite a slave to your safety."

Elizabeth could hardly help smiling as she assured her that had not been the case.

"Then, who protected you when you saw your first combat? Without ninjas, you must have been quite a sorry spectacle indeed."

"Compared with some families, I believe we were; but such was our desire to prevail, and our affection for each other, that we had no trouble vanquishing even our earliest opponents."

"If I had known your mother, I should have advised her most strenuously to engage a team of ninjas. I always say that nothing is to be done in education without steady and regular instruction.
Had my own daughter been blessed with a more suitable constitution, I should have sent her away the best dojos in Japan at the age of four. Are any of your younger sisters out, Miss Bennet?"

"Yes, ma'am, all."