"You are a business man, you say?”
“Yerst. Costermonger. I ’as me own cock sparrer, an’ sells in ve park its.”
The judge interrupted. “Did you say you sell cock sparrows in the park its?”
“No, no, m’lud. Cock sparrer is wha’ we calls ve barrer an’ park it is ve market.”
“I see.” The judge made a note. “Please go on.”
“I sells ladies fings, and vis nun, she comes up to me stall an’ afore you can blink an eye, she picks up a couple of bread an’ cheeses, tucks ’em in ’er petticoats, an’ is off round the Jack Horner, dahn ve frog an’ toad, quick as shit off a stick. I couldn’t Adam an’ Eve it, bu’ vats wot she done. When I tells me carvin’ knife wot I seen, she calls me an ’oly friar, an’ says she’ll land me one on me north and south if I calls Sister Monica Joan a tea-leaf. Very fond of Sister, she is. So I never says nuffink to no one, like.”
The judge had laid down his pen long before Cakey had finished giving his evidence. “I think I am going to need an interpreter,” he said.
The usher spoke. “I think I can help you, My Lord. My mother was a cockney and I was brought up with the rhyming slang. Mr Crumb has testified that he saw Sister Monica Joan take a couple of handkerchiefs —bread and cheese is the usual expression for handkerchiefs —off his sparrow, or barrow, and set off round the Jack Horner —corner, My Lord —down the frog and toad —meaning road —as quick as —I need not go on, my Lord, a harmless vulgarity implying no disrespect to Your Lordship —quick, stick —the rhyme is obvious my Lord.”
“‘I am beginning to understand. Ingenious, very. But what was all that about Adam and Eve? We are not talking about the Garden of Eden, you know.”
“‘ To Adam and Eve it’ is a very common expression my Lord. It means ‘to believe it’, or the negative. Mr Crumb could not Adam and Eve the evidence of his own eyes.”
“You are very knowledgeable, usher, and I am indebted to you. But that was not all the evidence evidence Mr Crumb gave the court, and it has to be written down for the record.”
The usher was standing up stiff and straight and feeling very important. All eyes were upon him. “Mr Crumb said that he told his wife what had happened. There are several expressions for wife —carving knife, trouble and strife, Duchess of Fife spring readily to mind —and she called him a liar —holy friar, My Lord, and said she would hit him in the north and south —mouth —if he called Sister Monica Joan a thief —tea-leaf was the rhyming slang used by Mr Crumb.”
“I understand now. Thank you, usher.” The judge turned towards Cakey. “Would you say that that interpretation is substantially correct, Mr Crumb?”
“Oh yerst, yers. That’s Isle of White.”
“I suppose I am correct in understanding that it is . . . right?”
The judge looked pleased with himself and smiled at Cakey.