Худший шафер на свете

When I return, Dillon’s slumped back against his wheelchair, and Max’s forehead is resting on the table. The tablecloth is riddled with cake carcass.“Are you guys okay?” I ask. “What did I miss?”Max groans. “He bought a few cakes and challenged me to a cake-eating contest.”I stare at the disheveled heaps in front of me. “You both lost, I see.”Dillon opens an eye. “On the contrary, I won. Full disclosure: I hold the record in college for eating the most hot dogs in a three-minute period.”With his head still pressed against the table, Max whimpers. “That’s information I could have used three minutes ago.”

“How you doin’ over there, champ?”Max falls back over and rests one cheek on the table, his face in my line of sight. “I’m so warm. So full. So bloated.” He ekes out the words in a scratchy voice. “I don’t think I want to eat another piece of cake ever again.”“Not even marble with buttercream frosting?” I say, unable to hide my amusement.He shuts his eyes tightly and pretends to cry. “Not even that one.”He’s adorable. Absolutely adorable. No. Wait. I’m trying to torture him. This isn’t supposed to be cute. But it is, dammit. How could it not be? He looks like a drunk chipmunk. A stunningly handsome drunk chipmunk, but still.

“This is your ride? A ninety-nine Volvo? It’s yellow.”Lina huffs at me as she tries to jiggle the trunk open. “It’s a 2002, okay? And anyone with a discerning eye can see it’s Maya Gold.” She grits her teeth as she pulls on the latch, until the trunk pops open with a loud kerplunk. “That’s just a minor jam. The car is sound.”I slip her a wary glance, unsure whether it’s wise to put my belongings in the back of this behemoth masquerading as a vehicle. “I have a decent Acura less than a hundred feet away. It’s not too late to hop in that one instead.”She rolls her eyes at me. “Listen, car snob, I’m driving, and I drive well in my car. Let’s not alter any variables unnecessarily.”

I look up and notice four players beyond the cones. That means there are only four couples we need to eliminate. I switch to beast mode. “Okay, Max. Let’s do this.”Max and I stumble over to our targets, whistling as if we’re simply meandering across the field. When we’re within striking distance, he shouts, “One, two, three!” and then we’re slamming into everyone.“You can’t defeat us,” Max yells.I shout at our opponents, too. “This is our house, bitches. Ahhhhhhhh!”Max freezes in place. “Too far, Lina. Too far.”I grimace apologetically. “Sorry.”