Midnight Mass

"My dear boy, you most certainly do. Look back and really thing - is there anything she's said or done to indicate she's angry with you? Or frustrated with your absence? Or are you simply projecting your own guilt onto her?"

Jealousy, yes - lust, certainly - but never greed.

Today there was just me and my guilt, and God was nowhere to be found.

I cultivate guilt the way a farmer cultivates land.

Is it weird to pray during sex? Maybe it is, but sometimes it happens. I've tried to accept that it's who I am - a man who loves God, and who loves fucking, that can be dirty and holy all in the same moment.

And like any addict, I needed to hit rock bottom.

And I started to see how seemingly small things, ordinary things, kisses and pick-up games of soccer and shoveling dirt, could be important and fulfilling.