Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

When we start to make changes in our behaviour it can invite the other person to respond differently too. This doesn’t mean changing and hoping they change too, it means focusing on who you want to be in the relationship, how you want to behave and what you want to bring to the connection, as well as where your boundaries are and why. Emotional responsiveness, the big emotions we feel, when our relationship hits trouble, are not irrational. Safe emotional connection is a top priority for our brain, whose job is to help us survive. When we shout, scream, cry, withdraw and stay silent, we are all asking the same thing, just in a different way. The questions are: Are you there for me? Do I matter enough for you to stay? When I need you most what are you going to do?
The attachment starts,  as we discussed earlier, on the different ways we ask those questions. When we sense that we’ve lost our connection, our brain sets the fire alarm bells ringing and we start doing whatever we can to feel safe again. For some that’s aggression, for others it is backing off and hiding away or bringing down the emotional shutters and not letting on that you care at all. Once we get in to cycle of attacking and pulling away it feels almost impossible to come back together. Despite the fact that disconnection caused the distress […] suggests that if we don’t reconnect we continue feeling isolated and distanced. The only way back is to move emotionally close and reassure the other. While one partner might blame and attack to get tempted to seek an emotional response, the other person is likely to receive the message that they are failing and freeze or retreat feather away. To remedy this we can practice tuning in to our partner’s need of connection and attachment needs […] with sensitivity, kindness and compassion. Let the other person know that they matter to you. It is crucial that while we do this we remain engaged, close and intuitive rather than pulling away.