Цитаты из книги Home Body

you didn’t lose it happiness has always been here

- you just lost perspective

i’m either romanticizing the past or i’m busy worrying about the future it’s no wonder i don’t feel alive i’m not living in the only moment that’s real

- present

my therapist says our minds erase trauma to help us move on but every experience i’ve had is memorized in my flesh even if my mind forgets my body remembers my body is the map of my life my body wears what it’s been through my body signals the alarms when it thinks danger is coming and suddenly the hungry little demons from my past come raging out of my flesh screaming don’t you forget us don’t you ever try to leave us behind again

i am not my worst days i am not what happened to me

- reminder

i want to be snapped cracked hammered into i want to open where i am closed find the secret door let me out of me i want something to hold me by the neck split me down the middle and make me feel alive again

- i don’t want to be numb anymore

i want to live i’m just afraid i won’t measure up to the idea people have of me in their heads i’m afraid of getting older scared i’ll never write anything worth reading again that i’ll disappoint the people who are counting on me that i’ll never learn how to be happy that i’ll be broke again one day that my parents will die and i’ll be alone in the end

abuse doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships abuse can live in friendships too

while everyone else was living their life in color depression froze me in place

sex is a way for people to transcend into each other and come apart a beautiful earthy expression but for me sex was my girlhood dragged to death he said we were going to play then he always locked the door always chose the game when i told him to stop he said i was asking for it but what did i know about involuntary orgasms and agency and consent at age 7. 8. 9. and 10.

i will never have this version of me again let me slow down and be with her

i told my mind you better get yourself together. we came here for joy. and we are going to feel all of it.

my rock bottom went so deep i'm pretty sure it was hell.

i'm done trying to prove myself to myself

capitalism got inside my head and made me think i am of worth as long as i am working

i learned impatience from it i learned self-doubt from it learned to plant seeds in the ground and expect flowers the next day

i want you to wipe away everything you know about love and start with one word kindness

what if the one i want is someone who touches me and leaves

why does everything become less beautiful once it belongs to us

i was trying to make him the one and it took me three years to realize love doesn't work like that

nothing tastes better than being on your own side

я люблю себя из темноты.