Ayoade On Top

Goop claimed its jade and rose quartz eggs could balance hormones and regulate menstrual cycles, ‘among other things’. The key word here is ‘could’. Goop is not saying that these eggs can do these things. That is not the Goop way. Goop says these things ‘could’ balance hormones and regulate menstrual cycles. They could also ‘not’ do these things, and Goop accepts that. Some of the ‘among other things’ these particular eggs might do is cause discomfort or infection or anger at having bought them.

Cinema helps us to remember that although we all have the right to shine, some of us must shine in the background, out of focus, and not too brightly.

If you want to succeed, the film bravely asserts, put on a short skirt and go into the service industry! It won’t be long before you’re picked out for even greater things, like higher-paid work within the service industry! Because if you’re hot, you’ll reach the top! And if you’re a little heavy or have a squinty eye, maybe you can work behind the scenes, where you won’t spook anyone.

I’m trying to breathe like I learnt from that vlog. At least I think I am. Should breathing sound like the bongos? Can you breathe to excess? I should rewatch.

Top is the film of my life.
Top goes deep within me.
To get to the bottom of me, you have to get to the bottom of Top. Two bottoms, same shit.

People you haven’t met are easy to idealise, but people who don’t exist are even better. Once you’ve met someone you’re faced with both the uncomfortable realisation that they’re a person and the exhausting prospect of paying attention to what might be unique about them. Invented idols can be controlled.

Here’s a Times obituary you’ll never read: ‘As great a rock star as he was, he was perhaps an even greater husband.’ No one who achieved anything was ‘there’ for someone else. They were elsewhere. Achieving.

The seasons change, but Donna stays the same, apart from when she’s wearing fewer clothes. Or maybe she does change, but just into different pants. Also as a person maybe? Perhaps feeling more tired overall, but still attractive? Or older, but still young-looking?

My mother always felt guilty that our family was so small. But I was happy. The thought of clearing up after another person was too terrifying to contemplate. Regardless, my mother would make sure that some of the presents I received would be ‘from’ our pets, so that it felt like I was part of a wider community. As a result, I never believed in Father Christmas, but I did believe that my pet rabbit shopped at Debenhams.