Boys that Bite

Llewellyn frowns. “Do you dare bribe me, vampire?” he asks, angrily. “You should know better than that. Our Order is based on love and nature and purity. We are not mercenaries, able to be bought with something as common as coin.”

“A tithe of one million pounds,” Magnus adds in an even voice.

My mouth drops open. So does Llewellyn’s, though he quickly shuts it again.

“Let me . . .” He clears his throat. “Let me consult with the Goddess in our Sacred Grove. I shall return with your answer.”

Moments later the door creaks open and a wizened old man with a long gray beard sticks his head out. I stare at him. He looks exactly like Gandalf the Grey of Lord of the Rings fame. How cool is that? Finally, after the disappointing images of the Slayer and the vampire leader Lucifent, someone who actually looks the part.

“Do you remember that program that used to be on TV?” Magnus continues. “The one about the Slayer? That sympathizer Joss Whedon wrote the character to be so noble and good. Always saving the world from this vampire or that demon. But it’s not like that in real life. The real-life Slayer is a vindictive ugly bitch with no compassion.” He stares up at the dark ceiling. “And now she’s killed Lucifent. This is a sad day for vampire kind indeed.”

“So let me get this straight,” I say, pulling my knees to my chest and trying to still my heart. “That chick was a vampire slayer?”

“Indeed,” Magnus says, “Every generation there is born a girl destined to slay all the vampires, rid the world of evil, yada, yada, yada.” He shakes his head. “Which is absolutely ridiculous. We’re not evil. We don’t even kill humans anymore. We keep to ourselves, donate millions to charity, the works.”