The Devil's Dictionary

Bologna-sausage, n. A dead dog that is better than a living lion, but not to eat.

Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

Canonize, v.t. To make a saint out of a dead sinner.

Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the infuences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artifcial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.