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Shakespeare
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We thought we were special,
but we were always
the subjects
of two separate
sentences.

I`m ready to find myself,
But I`m not ready for you to know what I find.

I look at him in his Star Wars T-shirt and anchor-print boxers, clutching a pillow on this bed we have spent so much of our time in, and what I realize is that somehow, without even knowing it, I have stepped out of love with him, and where I`ve stepped instead may end up being the better place. I have to step out of love with him, because the ground I`ve always wanted to be there was never really there. He is capable of giving that ground, but I am not the one he wants to give it to. Instead I have the ground we`ve grown all these years. I love him indestructibly, and I care about him at a root level, but in this three-breath-long moment I can understand that the two of us will never be boyfriends, never be husbands, never be everything to each other in that way. I can let that go, and hold tight to everything else.
It should feel like a retreat. It should feel like my love is diminishing and my feelings are contracting. But instead I have a sense that they`re expanding. And they are doing it because they have to.
I am sure that later on I will doubt this. I know that I will regret it, that I will wonder if this sudden understanding was just a trick of the light. But there are no illusions here. Today is finally today. We are no longer what we were. We are now what we`re going to be.
"I know you`re not ready," I tell him. "I`m not ready, either. But you know what? It`s happening anyway. And we`re going to be okay. We`ll risk the good thing for the better thing. We`re really, truly going to be okay."
I feel nearly empty as I finish this sentence. I`ve pulled out as much of myself as I can, and I am offering it to him now, no longer a part of me but not entirely relinquished. And in return, he lets go of the pillow. He opens his arms and says my name over and over, as if at long last he`s found me, as if at long last we understand that this is what we needed to learn.



